February 7, 2007

someone once said
if you are going to fall
fall forward
The End.

before and after…

February 1, 2007

she said,
“i wish i could be her for just a minute.
Just to have you look at me the way you look at you phone when it lights up when she calls”

which made me sad in a way that i dont even know how to articulate.

and
i wish you looked at me the way you used to

the way she does now.

laugh clown, laugh.

January 25, 2007

im afraid to say too much.
im keeping everything to the barest of minimums.
i think there is no surprise in how i feel.
im lost.
and lonely.
and even when im laughing really hard and loud.
i wish that she could be there to hear what im hearing
and laugh at what im finding so funny.

the laughing is new.
im scared a little bit that im laughing when im sad
i worry that maybe im handling this too well.

i always knew that girls could break my heart in a way that boys would never be able to
it was always my biggest fear.
it was the reason i was so ginger with my affection
it was the reason i kept them at arms length
and picked the ones that wouldnt be a concern.

i dont think she sees the value of this.
or the rarity.
in the day to day
and in crisis she is unable to see clear.
in crisis i see more clearly than i do at any other time
what really is and what really is not
and this crisis was like a big, wide, blue sky
where i could see for miles
and all i could see was the single thick black cloud
that would always be there
that no matter what i do
no matter how much i try to redeem myself
no matter how dilligent i am
i will always have a record

maybe in the end, i picked the one that would do the most thorough job.
and at some level i knew it going in.
then i was lulled into thinking that it wouldnt happen.
and it did.
and then it happened again
now maybe i should put the little hard candy shell back on

know no evil

January 10, 2007

i dont ask.
mostly because i know
a little because i dont want to know any more than i know.
there really isnt any more time in the day so there isnt anything to wonder about.
i know her.
well enough to know that she can’t split herself
soooooo
finely
to know that she is harder on herself than

that

but i dont KNOW
i know what i think i know
and whos to say that im not fooling myself
because i must
in order to be where i am
that i dont
lalallalalalallalalalala

and i dont ask because
i like being here

right.
here.

January 7, 2007

I gave her my fathers crooked smile.
The one he gives when he is feeling all-right with the world.

I hadn’t known until that moment that I even had that smile.
The devil smile that charmed everyone
The smile that got him through.
The one he gave to women right before he said ‘hi sweeeeetie!!!!’ in a slightly higher pitched voice.

I wondered if I did it all the time or I if I had just discovered this hidden ability.

If I HAD been in possession of this sleight of hand all my life, how much had it determined where I found myself? How had it gotten ME through? Did it charm people the same way?
i dont know
but
what i do know is that she introduced herself right after.

a month

December 12, 2006

junkie
with guilt
and i never even let on
still embarassed by my lack of will
and i spent the time spinning and spinning and building cities
with houses and temples and freeways
and seemingly dreaming of disatsers and heartbreaks
and its hard to know whats real when shes only that close
and its hard to know whats right when you are far less dressed
and its easy to believe when she wakes up and sleepily kisses your furrowed forehead

amnesia

November 11, 2006

my head screams that it wants out of my skin more often that one would imagine.
i picture myself running and running and running until i collapse.
blaming my parents seems the simplest solution
maybe they let something happen to me that i dont remember
but that cant be right
its always the little things that i forget
never the big things

history always repeats

November 10, 2006

as funny as this is going to sound to the other half of the “Bad Idea Bears”
i am not impulsive with her.

in the past, my talent to get away with
shooting my mouth off
if im pissed or cranky or over it
has been second to none.
and its not just that she wouldn’t let me get away with it,
its that i don’t try do it.

my ability to sort through things,
my ability to stop and assess,
my desire to be a grown up about how i deal with things that come up between us.
the lack of compulsion to flee when things get heavy.
the fact that im not panicking from the weight of it.
that, for the first time,
in a very LONG time,
i do not have one eye on the door
or on another girl.
i am not sure what to do with that last one.
as that has been a constant in my relationships for almost as long as i can remember.

i have both of my eyes squarely on her
and this
and sometimes my shoes

this was written on 10/20/04
and i still feel the same way.

i am right here.
its a struggle for me most of the time because I’m always looking down the hall at whats coming next.
i have an idea of whats coming next
but i’m enjoying how simple this has become.
how i expect nothing except the space this deserves
this is the first time we have ever been exactly where we are right now.
in all the years and rapture and crap and junkiness and aloneness
we have never been right here.
and i really really like it.
i have to remind her that i still feel like a guest.
for now.
but when she looks at me with that crooked smile that I had almost forgotten about
i feel like i was never away.
when she backed me against the wall and grabbed my mouth to kiss me
i recognized it like it was yesterday.

this morning I woke up remembering some years ago
the yellow light shining over us as she sat straddled over me in an industrial neighborhood
with wooden palettes looming above our heads.
she looked past me and said, almost as if she were talking to the sky,
“I wonder where we will be in 5 years.”
i smiled at her and shrugged my shoulders
and she said
“probably much farther along than X and I are”

right now i feel like i am where I belong